he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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