I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
