My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
All the doctor said was why
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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