On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
