just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
