Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
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It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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