Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's shark week go big or go home
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Drunk is a universal language darling
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
