Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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