My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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