Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
