I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
