He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just threw up on my dentist
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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