Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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