Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
