So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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