nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
