You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
