Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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