I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
