I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Mom said you looked used
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
