So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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