David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
