I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
