You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
