I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
