I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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