mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
