Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
