then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My bed smells like the plague
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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