I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
