I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
