I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
