I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
