Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
