had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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