Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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