Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
