I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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