i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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