he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
