i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
