i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
