i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
