I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Randomize
