Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
