just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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