I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
