Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You are the jesus of drinking
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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