Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
