just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
