So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
