Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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