I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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